On a flight back from North Carolina this past July, I sat by a lovely young woman who, as it turns out, had been at the same conference as me. As we discussed the conference and what we “do” back home, she told me she and her husband were writing a book about parenting. As soon as she began describing how their book would encourage young parents on how to raise their children right, I thought to myself “Girl, you have no idea what is about to hit you!” Meaning…me. Figuratively speaking, of course!
The heat rising in my body was a sure sign that I was having a “minor” panic attack. (Believe me, I have had “major” panic attacks, so I know the difference) This one involved me knowing, without a shadow of a doubt, that God was leading me to gently speak truth into this sweet gal’s life. Not that I have all the answers about how to be a good parent. In fact, there are days (weeks, months) where I have questioned almost everything I ever did as a parent. Panic or not, I knew I must obey His prompting.
Here’s what I said…more or less.
In your parenting book, be certain to have a chapter at the end that tells your readers that there are no guarantees. Explain that you can do everything the Bible and the parenting books tell you to do, and still have grown children that walk away from their faith. Remind them that as parents we are flawed, sinful and inconsistent at our very best. Teach them that the only One who can be our children’s Holy Spirit is THE Holy Spirit of God. Tell them not to get discouraged when their children make bad choices, follow the wrong advice or reject the values you taught them and modeled before them. Implore them to hang in there and trust God with their children.
Right about this time I believe she was wishing she had booked a later flight.
She had tears in her eyes as I shared with her the struggles that many couples my age are experiencing with their adult children. It grieved me to have to tell her of the heartbreak and frustration that many parents are living with, and how very little control we actually have as parents. But I also assured her that these difficulties are never wasted by God. Through these trials, He strengthens our faith in Him. In fact, all of parenthood is about God growing us up in Him…and the lessons do not stop when the birds fly out of the nest.
In this excerpt from Gary Thomas’ book, SACRED PARENTING, he points out the fact that the Bible actually has very few passages that discuss the “how-to” of parenting: “On the other hand, the Bible is decidedly not silent about the need for adults to consistently grow in their faith. The silence of the Bible on the plan for parenting, along with the repetition of the Bible on spiritual growth, could lead us to conclude that God believes the parent’s own spiritual growth is the most essential part of the “how-to” of parenting.”
I agree completely with this wisdom. The whole parenting thing is not about us as parents. It is about God using parenthood to grow us up!
YES, we need to be diligent to train up our children, love them, point them to God, and I really did the best I knew how with what I had to work with…BUT ultimately, it was never completely up to me how they would turn out as adults. They have minds, temperaments and (strong) wills of their own. And it most certainly was never my job to be their Holy Spirit. God does a perfect job of that without my help at all. Through all the difficulties, He is proving over and again that He can be trusted with our children…trusted with EVERYTHING! My friends and I will testify to you that our faith in God is stronger, time in His Word is richer and fellowship with Him has never been sweeter! He is Trustworthy and Faithful!
As we exited the plane, I assured this gal that I would pray for her and her husband, and I do. I thought to myself, I wish someone would have told me how hard this parenting thing was going to be. Perhaps someone did. Maybe I was not listening. Perhaps my prideful self said, “I am going to rock this mom thing!” Maybe that desire to be the BEST. MOM. EVER. became an idol in my life. Perhaps? Forgive me Father.
THIS I KNOW…
Parenting is about God growing me up and showing me how beautiful and unconditional His love is for me.
God loves my children more than I do. He never gives up on ANY of His children.
It is His pleasure to chase after my children…just as He chases after me.
I choose NOT to worry about my children, but pray for them instead. Worry does no good. Prayer gives me His peace.
“Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. Then you experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 NLT
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